Yesterday was a dreary day, but also the second annual Gays Eating Garlic Bread in the Park at Meridian Playground here in Seattle. After the it went viral last year over 750 people RSVP’d to the event, which was, of course, BYOGB.
My girlfriend and I, being gays ourselves, thought that it was too good of an opportunity to miss, and so I hastily made two loaves of garlic bread, poured some store-bought marinara into a container, and headed out into the gloom and weather to “try to meet some people.”
The event was nice. There were gays, there was garlic bread. People set up little canopies to get out of the weather. The host had organized some games and there was tale of a showing of a movie after dark. None of that is what this post is about.
This is about SOCIAL ANXIETY.
You see, I had been looking forward to this event. I woke up at 5 A.M., giddy as a school girl, ready to go and meet people. That has been my goal recently. I love my friends, but a lot of them live a few hours away. Also, being 30/40 somethings, we have our own lives now. All of this is well and good, but since starting transition I have felt this need to be social in a way I have never experienced before.
You see, I am different now, and there are a lot of things I’m trying to figure out, or just straight up change about myself. One of those things (and perhaps the highest on the list beside the whole “I’m a girl now” bit) is dealing with my misanthropy and social anxiety. I have always known that my anxiety is a major thing holding me back in life, and now I have the will to do something about it, but I keep missing the mark.
I’ve tried therapy, and will almost certainly try it again, but, as one therapist told me “I think this is something we try to manage, rather than get over, at this point.” Now, I’m not one for backing down from a fight, so I’ve started to take matters into my own hands.
So, as my girlfriend and I drove to the event, dodging rain like shrapnel on the freeway, I was feeling pretty confident. I had a pop up canopy. I was going to be a hero. I would take in these soggy queers under my vinyl shelter, and through an act of service they would see I was useful and adopt me as one of their own.
Delusion, it seems, is not something I am immune to.
Of course, we arrive at the event, and the rain has stopped. No big deal, but, it also seemed like everyone was okay despite the deluge. The park had a pavilion most had gathered under, and others had brought their own deployable shelters. So, feeling awkward and no longer useful my girlfriend and I set up our shelter and two chairs in an out of the way spot, and ate some of our (now cold) garlic bread. A few people wandered by and we exchanged bread, but I was absolutely paralyzed to do anything other than cling to my girlfriend and our flimsy rain aegis.
Around an hour in and my two very close friends arrived, one of which is one of the most social people I know. He even tried to get me to go with him and make some rounds passing out the garlic bread, but at that point my fate was sealed. That’s not something I can do.
You see, almost all of the people I’ve ever become close to have been brought into my gravity well through some sort of project. I have tied my whole identity up with being useful and helpful, so I really don’t see the point in being social for sociability’s sake. There is not a world I can imagine where someone would want me to bother them, or, as I like to say, “inflict my personality upon them,” that is beyond the scope of a common goal.
I am a useful person. I have a lot of practical skills. I have a lot of gear. I am frequently the most prepared person in the room. I have plans. However if you take that away, I am nothing more than an NPC. Just a grumpy, judgmental bitch, who hides behind said grumpiness until the next situation arises where I can prove my worth. There’s a problem? Oh, I can solve it! Didn’t I do a good job? See, I’m useful, don’t abandon me! Woof.
Where this leaves me in regard to getting over this I don’t know, but I do know I have no intention of stopping. I think, for now, the plan has to shift to doing something with strangers where there is a clear goal or activity. My beautiful partner and I both love to rollerblade, so we’ve planned to go to the local rink and do that. We also enjoy bar trivia, and have plans to do that as well. Then there is trying to find a local DnD group.
Things like that, while very “in my lane” feel like they aren’t helping me get over the problem. I guess what bothers me is that I feel like I have to get out of my lane and see where I fit. The trench of my comfort zone is immense however, but perhaps it is far wiser to slowly purge the ballast tanks and rise, rather then blow them all at once.
For now, I suppose it is sufficient to just keep swimming.
Sans Seraph 